“Since everything is but an apparition, perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may as well burst out into laughter”
- Iong Chen Pa

“I hate being pushy and I hate pushy sales people!” Oscar blurted, during one of my training sessions. “I know that when I go shopping I just want to be left alone and not bothered by sales people. My attitude is that if I want help I will ask for it “ he continued as he struggled with the whole concept of proactively approaching customers.

There are many ideas and concepts, tools and tactics used by the best people in sales that you too might find too “pushy” to use. Lets try to understand what is really going on here rather than simply saying, “Well I couldn’t do that!”

Over the many years that I have trained sales people I have heard this and other objections to using particular techniques many times before. The resistant feelings that Oscar and many others, myself included, have are quite normal. When confronted with anything that will take one out of one’s comfort zone, there is resistance. An internal pull back, a closing of the mind and a weakening of the heart. It is important to understand that the “Well I couldn’t do that! “response is a natural “shut down” to extending your current comfort zone. Leaving the comfort zone, and trying something new for some people is perceived as extremely challenging and can be stressful, whereas for others leaving their comfort zone is interpreted as “adventure!” How do you perceive it?

There are no easy answers for those of you readers who struggle with this issue. Stepping out of the “Comfort zone” and into the “Learning zone” means coming to terms and having the courage to a) overcome the fear of rejection and b) being able to persist long enough until you have learned what works for you and what doesn’t. Until you have developed the skill and stretched the old Comfort zone boundary into a new comfort zone.

By the way, stretch your wings gently at first until you’ve increased in confidence

A) Overcoming the fear of rejection
Selling means that you have to be able to take rejection on the chin and still maintain a positive attitude, this is a lot easier said than done. If handling rejection was simply an intellectual exercise, you could be rallied with a simple pep talk. Even though intellectually you know that it is not you that is being rejected, but the product, you still take the “No” personally. You still take the no to heart.

Dealing with rejection is both a matter of understanding how to deal with it mentally, as well as conquering the fear emotionally. “No!” was one of the first words we ever learned. For many of us the word “No!” was followed by pain, either physical or emotional or both, and over the years we have linked up that no means pain.

There is another strong negative association that many of us have been taught during our formative years growing up around the N word. The majority of you reading this were most likely not bought up in a home where everything you asked for you received. This means that, like most kids, you asked mum and dad for many things and were told “No!” you can’t have them. Over time we learned that asking for what we wanted meant “No!” so we stopped asking, thereby avoiding hearing the N word and reinforcing the connection between no and rejection.

The key to understanding intellectually how to overcome the fear of rejection in the selling is to begin to remove the connection between “No” and our feeling rejected. In speaking with many successful sales professionals over the years, what is apparent is that they have developed a number of mental strategies to the “N” word. One of the most powerful is that, they have disconnected their expectation of how things should be, from the result.
A Zen proverb puts it this way, “Without treasured expectations there can be no burglary”. Author Iyanla Van Zandt has this to say about expectation, ”Doubt is bred in the mental state of attachment to an emotional investment in the outcome.”

Think about it. Why do we get upset when we don’t hear what we want to hear (and in selling we want to hear “Yes!”)? Why do we get disappointed when we get turned down? It’s because we have built an attachment to the outcome or expected result. In selling, this means that we want to make a sale to make our sales quota, or win a competition or, in some cases, even hold onto our job. It is this very same attachment to outcome that creates the emotional stress when our offer is rejected. Over time the negative emotion builds and pretty soon it is the fear that is in control. So the first strategy to conquering the fear of rejection is to let go of any expectations that you have about the customer and the potential sale you may or may not make. Focus on that which you can control, not that which you can't. You can only control the asking not the response!

“Everybody likes a compliment.”
- Abraham Lincoln

Both great and poor sales people have told me that paying someone a compliment is an easy way to establish “instant rapport” with a customer. If a great sales person tells you that compliments are the way to go, then as a student of effective selling technique I sit up and take notice. However poor sales people have told me the same thing, with equal conviction! So what is it that the great ones do that the poor ones don’t?

The 17th century French philanthropist and social reformer Francois Duc De La Rochefoucauld gave us a clue with his insight that “We sometimes think that we hate flattery, but we only hate the manner in which it is done” From this viewpoint we can deduce that great sales people pass on a compliment in such a manner that the person being complimented takes on the praise, whereas those sales people who use compliments to build rapport and fail in their quest, do so because their compliment is perceived as phony.

Customers obviously feel that they are being flattered just so that the sales person can score points off them. The poor sales persons “flattering” approach backfires leaving the customer feeling fearful and wary rather than open and trusting. On the other hand when compliments are made with grace, being on the receiving end feels good, even if we don’t feel completely worthy of the commendation.

In watching and listening to those great sales people who use compliments so effectively I have noticed that in most cases they never seem to actually compliment the “person” rather they tend to admire “something about the person”. They compliment will an action or something they see. Then they go on to tell them why describing its effects and impact. In other words instead of flattering with “oh what stunning eyes you have” they will pass on a compliment by saying “What a great coat that is, it make such a statement!!”

When you compliment a “thing” your admiring comments are easily accepted by the customer (stranger), as they are not personal. When you tell me that I am wearing a great coat, it is the coat that is great not I. I am 1 degree separate from my coat, yet because I chose the coat I am being praised indirectly. As a customer I will feel good about myself and, by default, you too.

To pay tribute and compliment the thing when the relationship is new is less threatening and less invasive. This is because most people are not easily able to accept direct compliments and many will actually feel embarrassed if they feel the accolade is too personal. This is not a good way to begin building a “trusting friend” relationship.

So next time you want to use this powerful rapport building technique, do as the pro’s do and find something about the customer to admire. Focus on the customer; see if you can quickly discover at least 3-5 positive observations around and about them. Then genuinely pay the compliment to them go on to explain its impact and watch how they will begin to open up under your tribute.